A broader appeal

Hello all. I did something I rarely ever do the other day. I actively sought out perspectives I knew to differ from my own. I know, I know. Why waste time finding out where other people are coming from when your just so much cooler than them? Well that's just the kind of guy I am. I try as much as possible to stay in touch with the common man, find out what johnny on the spot has on his mind, get a feel for the people, salt of the earth ect, ect.. No I'm not running for office (although feel free to vote for me. If I make it to power I promise only some of you will be dealt a swift and terrible retribution) I just empathize with the everyman, the unsung heroes of this modern world, the fabric of this rich tapestry we call the human race, blah blah blah.

So how did I seek out these differing view you ask? Well, as is to be expected in this increasingly technocratic society, I used what the kids have taken to calling the internet (or nets if you're an inbred daddy's boy who somehow stumbled drunkenly into the seat of power). Using this "internet", I sought out other weblogs (or blogs as trendy/lazy technophile's have abridged it) in order to gain insight into the sociopolitical underpinings of the rest of the online community. After carefully weighing all the data from a vast array of sources from all across the spectrum, and then analysing the results I've drawn this irrefutablel conclusion: Just about everyone else but me is a stupidface. Ne'er the less, I decided that in order to reach a larger audience (which believe you me, shouldn't be too hard) I've should try to modify my blog to better meet the needs of the masses. As such, I've devised a few different approaches in both style and content, each specifically tailored to resonate with a specific target audience. I've identified the demographic at which each approach is aimed, labeling them for the benefit of those perhaps unfamiliar with the parlance and customs of those groups specified. Should you feel you more readily identify with a different style, feel free to skip ahead to that section. Please note that the greatest of care and research has gone into the forging of each individual style. Enjoy.



Matt's thread, Macho style:

Cars is cool. Did you see the new ford pickups? They can haul all types of heavy stuff. It could pull a tree or log I reckon. Or maybe a big rock. Yup. F%$kin A.

Hunting seasons startin soon. Reckon I'll shoot some defenseless animals. Their majestic forest beauty just pisses me off. This year I'm gonna bring my AK 47. I was gonna bring my rocket launcher, but I figured I'd be more sportsman like.

I need a beer. Woman! Where's mah beer!!

Did you see that chick man, from that new Dukes of Hazard movie. Whooeee!! I'd like to $^%%^##$#$#$ (the rest is unprintable) till her head falls off.

I'm an @sshole


Matt's thread, Nerd Style:

Hey man, you wanna play some D and D? I got the new Stargate SG1 box set man we could watch that. Did you see the new Star Wars? I wore my Jedi costume to the premiere, my mom helped me stitch it. I had to wait in line for 10 days, but it was worth it. I can't believe some people waited until the next day to see it. I'll bet they don't even practice the principles of the Jedi faith. It's so sad really.

Oh man, did you see the new processor from AMD? It's so sweet. Now I can download porn, re-edit movies (I put myself in the lead of the last three Star Wars. Sky Walker be damned.) and work on my original Star Trek screenplay that much faster.

I've never been kissed.


Matt's thread "girl power a la sex in the city by way of the O.C." style:

Girlfriend, you need to tell your man he can't be treating you like that and expecting you to still be with him! What he can't call after 3 days? What there are no phones where he is? Girl, you need to find yourself a new man. It's like I was telling my girl Julie the other day at Trendy Fashion Hut, (Editors note: Probably not a real store) you gotta have a man who appreciates you. You know, buys you flowers, remembers your name, romantic. And he's got to be sensitive, we don't want no emotional cripples. No sir. Most men are pigs. Or dogs. Or possibly pig dogs. They don't even deserve a slap upside the head. That's why you gotta hold out for a good man. Get yourself a man like my Billy, he's a good man.

Other girl: But isn't your man a kick-boxer? And an ex-con? I'm pretty sure he's cheating on you right now. He told he was going to yesterday.

Girl, you don't know what you're talking about. My man Billy's a good man. You don't know him like I know him. He's sensitive, and mysterious. Plus, I know I can change him.

My man is sensitive.



Matt's thread Punk Rock style:


Oy! This F%^&kin thread is F^&*kin poser!!!!
This thread ain't F^&*kin Punk!!!
ANARCHY!!!
BREAK STUFF!!!
I'm F^&*kin straightedge and therefore F^&*kin BETTER THAN YOU!!!
If you disagree with me I'll F^&*kin PUNCH YA!!!
My favorite band is being signed to a major label !!!
They're F$%^kin SELLOUTS!!!!
I am well versed on important social ISSUES!!!
Which I will express by yelling and/or SWEARING AT YOU !!!
I"m a NONCONFORMIST!!
Just like all my FRIENDS!!!
We all dress the SAME!!!
Cuz we're REBELS!!!
If you don't dress/talk/act like us then YOU'RE A POSER!!!
I hate POSERS!!!
Why can't they THINK FOR THEMSELVES!!!!
OY!! OY!! OY!!

I'm a misunderstood @$$hole.

Matt's thread Omish/pioneerl style:

What devilry is thus? An electronic devil box?!?!? Ah, It's swallowed my soul!! Ones and zeroes be the devil's playthings! Tis not a good usage of one's time. Tis no barn building. And speaking verily of barn building, the witchcraft contained on yon magic cube tells nothing of the buliding of a fine barn. After much vexing I managed to ask the contraption to inform me of "american wood" and the result twer not at all as expected, english.


I'm a trogolodite made famous (ironically?) by a movie starring Han Solo.



Matt's thread awesome style:

No change


There you go. Hopefully one of these styles speaks to you.

(Note: Matt X and all subsidaries of Mattco and it's parent company Super Happy Carcenogenics take no responsibilty for any specific style not speaking to you