Help keep the youth of America from exploding

(My apologies to Less Than Jake, from whose song title I stole the idea for this post. Please don't sue. I have nothing you would want)

Hello all. Time for another informative session of Matt says stuff. Brought to you by Matt Co unlimited and thanks to the support of my rage
and viewers like Bob. You should all be more like Bob.

Today I'd like to take a moment to address a serious issue afflicting the youth of today. I've seen this problem ignored far too long, and I feel it is my responsibility, nay my duty to address this most grievous blight on the countenance of decent society. That's right I'm talking about spontaneous combustion. This debilitating phenomena has been plaguing our youth since the early nineteenth century. Considered to be a societal taboo by many at the time, it was not often discussed, for fear that entertaining the notion would land the offending individual in an institution. Later on, as society's ideas about medical and psychological afflictions became somewhat more progressive, the subject did become a more open topic of discussion, but due to the somewhat repressed and stiffled culture of the early 20th century, a lot of incidents of SC remained unreported. It was considered by most to be a family affair, most people didn't want other people to know, for fear they would be judged. As a result, a lot of Spontaneous Combustion went on behind closed doors, so to speak. Bob Andersmithson, a completely real guy I did not make up for this post, recounts his firsthand experiences of living with SC during that colourful era most often referred to as the "good ole days" (Unless of course you happened to find yourself not to be an upperclass white heterosexual protestant male, in which case you most probably referred to those times as "those dark days of which we no longer speak").

"In those days, twasn't no great shakes fer a fella to just up an esplode on ya. I remember back in the summer of '42. Me an Sam Hawkins was standin round outside the ol fishing hole. We was just shootin the breeze, when alla the sudn' ol Sam, he just burst into flames. At first I thought he was pullin a prank on me. Sam was like that you see, a real card. Course then he started flailin his arms and runnin round like a chicken with his head cut off. That's when I knew somethin was up. So I grabbed my fishin pail and threw some water on 'im. That helped some. After the hubbub died down, I ast him if he was okay. He looked me straight in the eye an he says :"Weren't so bad, I've 'ad wurst" He was a tough'un that Sam."

"Course we didn't like to talk much bout such things. Weren't much need way we saw it. Wasn't nobodies bizness, it was between friends and all. Never saw no reason to make no fuss about it."

Nowadays of course, attitudes have changed greatly towards SC, it is no longer regarded as a topic that is off limits for disscusion. Nevertheless, there is still a great deal of education that needs to be done on the subject, especially to young children found to be SC positive. These children are most likely to be confused and troubled by their condition, as they are already attempting to gain the attention and acceptance of their peers. Too often those afflicted with it choose to suffer in (relative) silence (it's hard to be completely silent when you're on fire) because of feelings of guilt and uncertainty. They wonder why this is happening to them asking things like "Why do I keep catching fire for no reason?" "Do I explode because I'm a bad person?" "Does God hate me?" "Billy doesn't burst into flames at random, why do I?"

Oftentimes these kids try to hide their condition by dressing all in black, or by secretly carrying containers filled with water. They may even take up smoking, to mask the smell of burnt clothing. They are also often the object of scorn and ridicule, being labeled by their peers in such hurtful terms as "Burnt toast" or "Zippo head" The derogatory term "flamer" is also thought to have had it's genesis as a refference to an SC positive, as is the term "Liar, Liar, pants on fire", which sprang from the notion that anyone who burst into flames without warning was probably not to be trusted. Unfortunately, finding refuge no place else, many SC positive teens turn to street gangs. One such gang, the Afterburners, is thought to be responsible for many of the unsolved arson cases in the greater metropolitan area of Notmadeupton. Local residents often complain of being disturbed by loud crackling noises late at night, and many have reported seeing a redish glow along the main boulevards. If your child should start dressing all in black, and/or coming home late at night smelling vaguely of campfires, please be aware that this may be a cry for help.

What can you do to help fight this horrible affliction? Recently, great strides have been made in the research of this phenomena, and doctors are hopeful that a cure may be found within their lifetimes, however funding is low. In order to garner support and funding, we must strive to increase Spontaneous Combustion awareness. Wear the orange ribbon with the red flame symbol, and when someone asks you about it tell them "It's because I want to keep the youth from exploding!" This is sure to get there attention. If you hear someone use a slur like "Burny", or "Smokey" or tell an offensive joke like "Why did the Burny cross the road? Cuz he was on fire!" Stop the person and let them know that what they are doing is wrong. It is only through love and understanding that we can quell the flames of prejudice against SC sufferers.

If you or a family member would like to make a donation, please make your checks out to the Spontaneous Combustion Assosciation Members. Or send them to me and I'll pass them along.