Moving on

Well it's been about three weeks since I was on the news.
I never thought my fifteen minutes would be as fleeing
student number 3. It was weird watching myself run by.
I need to lose some weight.

I wanted to post stuff here for awhile, but I couldn't.
I kept thinking of what I was gonna say, but mostly I
was just really angry, and it started sounding a lot
like a "F*ck you" list. Like I was gonna talk about
Steven Harper and the NRA, ect, but you know what?
F*ck it. They don't deserve any more space.

It seems like other than the girl Anastasia,
the other victims are okay. Even the guy who was
in the coma seems to be doing better, which is
a relief, I was praying for him, and for everyone
else to be okay. It's not something I ever thought
I'd be thinking about. Lately, it seems like I
just can't seem to get away from guns and violence.
A week before all this stuff, there was a shooting
(another one) here on walkley between gang members.

I'm so sick of guns. I'm working on a T-shirt right
now that says "Guns are for cowards". I wanna make
sure I get it right tho. I want it to be really
well designed.

It's been hard getting back into the swing of
things. Honestly, I feel a little lost this
semester. Sometimes I feel like I'm not good
enough, like I'm a fake who'll eventually be
exposed as a no talent hack. There always
seems to be that little voice in my head
that tries to tell me I'm not good enough.
I try not to listen to him, he's an @sshole.
I guess part of it comes from looking
at other people's stuff and comparing it
to my own. I wanna be the best in my
program, sometimes I get discouraged
by looking at how far along other ppl
are. Sometimes that spurs me on, makes
me strive to improve, other times
it just discourages me. At any rate,
I don't plan on giving up at this point.
I will be the best, or at the very least
my best, and I'll keep getting better.
I've managed to cut out video games
almost entirely, now i just got to
make the most out of the rest of my time.

So yeah, it's kind of been a rocky start
to the semester. First some heavy news
from a friend. Then I lose my job.
Then my school becomes international
news, and not in the way anyone ever hopes.
(except for maybe reporters. By the way,
pretty much all the reporters who covered
the whole Dawson thing make my FU list
as well. F*ckin blood sucking vultures)

But hey, it could have been much worse.
I could have been there man. I almost was.
So yeah, I'm alive. I'm not going to waste
any more time. As far as work goes, there
are other jobs. In fact, there's a good
chance I already have a new one (I went to
an interview to work in the photolab at
pharmaprix DT, it went quite well)
As for school, I'm going to do my best,
and keep pushing myself.

Life goes on. It's not blase, that's just
how it goes. Sometimes horrible sh#t goes down,
but you just gotta keep on moving forward.
At least I still can.

I put some flowers on the memorial BTW.
I never knew Anastasia, she didn't even
look like the type of person I would
hang out with necessarily. But she was
a fellow human being trying to find her way,
fragile, flawed and vulnerable, beautiful
like all of us. I wish her well in the next
life, and I pray for her family.

The thing that bothers me about all of this
the most, is that after the fact, there
where reports of all these copy cats,
who were supposedly trying to do
the same thing as that stupid misguided
@sshole. Why? What is wrong with people?
Why would anyone want to kill someone else?
I just don't understand. Yeah I was tormented
in highschool and elementary. Yeah I had almost
no friends. Hell, I even had a chemical
imbalance. But even amongst all the
craziness, I never once thought of killing
anybody, other than myself. And I even thought
at one point that I was the antichrist.
So why do some people end up doing stuff
like this and some don't, in almost the
same circumstances?

Why are people doing this? Where are they
getting guns? Thankfully, they were stupid
enough to mention their plans to other
people, so no one else got hurt, but what
the hell? I just don't get it.

Also, why do people feel the need
to ostracize and torment the outsider
types? Maybe it's just me, but if people
would just be a little nicer to the
"losers" maybe this kinda sh*t woudln't
happen. How hard is that to do?

That's all I gotta say about all of this.
Honestly, I just wanna forget about it
and move on. Not like "oh that never happened"
But just have things get back to normal.
There's a gun control coalition starting on campus.
They posted a poster about wanting designers.
I'm thinking of getting involved if I have enough
time between school and my possible new job.

Well that's it. I also entered my poetry
in a contest with CBC radio. 1st prize is
6000, 2nd prize is 4000. I doubt I'll win
but it's worth a shot. I'll keep you posted.

I'm gonna post some more sketches and stuff
soon. Thanks for sending along
that link about the Band logo Joey.
I just might give it a shot
And yes chris, I'm gonna post some
design stuff too, just for you :)

Take it easy,

Matt X